Is it Infidelity?

“What do you consider cheating?” inquired a colleague recently. She was working with a couple struggling to heal from the experience of relationship betrayal and attempting to bridge the gap between the partners, who appeared to disagree about the definition of cheating.

it’s a good question. What is cheating? Is it a lunch, text exchange, or lengthy conversation with someone when your partner doesn’t know about it? Is it a kiss? Or an emotional connection? Does the line get crossed only when sexual contact happens, or are there other markers? And what about couples for whom sexual contact with others is not prohibited? Can there be cheating in open or polyamorous relationships?

The definition I use in my practice is this: Cheating is the violation of a relationship agreement. Have you promised your partner that you wouldn’t stay in contact with an ex, but you have been having “innocent” conversations with them without telling your partner? Have you shared personal or intimate information about your relationship with a co-worker/friend/acquaintance without having permission to do so? Are you convinced that your partner isn’t interested in or available for sex/intimacy/romance/connection, so you have granted yourself permission to seek it elsewhere? Have you utilized pornography, dating or messaging apps, masturbation, or other behaviors in violation of an agreement with your partner, even though you have not had actual physical contact with anyone outside the relationship?

What feels like a betrayal in one relationship, may be acceptable in another. In fact, what one party in a relationship may feel is ok may be extremely wounding to the other. This is where communication becomes necessary, The ability to effectively express needs and expectations can help a couple negotiate relationship agreements that are clear, mutual, and consensual.